Journeying Through Sexual Shame: Testimony

I have been there. I have been in the confusion, the loneliness of being the only one asking the questions and struggling with the doubt. Feeling the heavy weight of shame and the darkness that comes with that.

I am sharing my story not to boast or rant, but to begin the conversation and the healing that God can bring through open and honest community. Do not go through this journey alone.

You are not alone.

A Little Backstory

I grew up in a Christian home, and I was fully immersed on faith. Before college I had never dated anyone or fallen in love. I was what some would call a “good kid.” Another important part of this story- I masturbated without knowing it for most of my life (not watching porn) but I didn’t know what it was until high school. It wasn’t talked about ever, even when church circles warned against porn.

My First Romance

So I met my fiancé the summer before college at Line Camp (Baylor freshmen tradition). We started dating the next summer. Christian is the only person I have dated. The only person I have fallen in love with and seen a real future with. He is the only person I have kissed.

The start of my relationship with Christian was the first time I had to actually confront ideas about my own sexuality and boundaries and what those ideas had to do with my life. It made me so confused! I felt like I wasn’t even allowed to experience desire or attraction and definitely can’t talk about it. Especially with Christians.

On top of this, my and Christian’s backgrounds are extremely different in this area. I was naïve and inexperienced, Christian has had sex and experienced abuse and brokenness in relationships. So we came into our relationship with different understandings and ideas, which required a LOT of communication.

As our relationship progressed, I asked many many MANY questions, but only to myself.

• What is the difference between sexual desire and lust?

• What even is lust?

• If they are not the same, which I don’t think they are, because married people are supposed to desire each other, what is sexual purity?

• Is sexual purity simply the physical acts that I am allowed to do? Who decides what I am allowed to do? What AM I allowed to do?

• Purity isn’t just sexual, so what qualifies as pure?

• Remarried people aren’t called ripped up paper or broken china or used chocolate or any kind of "damaged good"… And they’ve had sex with at least two people…. So what does that mean for me as an unmarried person? What is purity?

• If purity means lack of physical acts or sexual thoughts… then can I touch anyone? Can I hug anyone? Can I even look at another human who is attractive? This is ridiculous!!

• Is masturbation sinful? if it is, why? (If I’m not watching porn) Is exploring my body sinful? Is getting to know myself against God? WHY?

• When I think about the idea of sex, why is my gut reaction disgust or fear or “this is dirty” and unspeakable? That is not what it is in marriage, so why do I feel this way about it?

• How do I not tie my sexual identity up with someone else? How does it belong to me?

• Where is the line?

• What even counts as sex?

• Seriously though… Why should I wait for marriage?

• What does the Bible actually say about sex and marriage?

• I see the good in this intimate time with Christian, so why does everything feel wrong?

• Is something wrong with me when I don’t desire Christian? Is there something wrong with me if I do desire him?

I asked a room of 100 college age Christian women to raise their hands if they’ve asked any of these questions. Almost all of them did.

I fell down a dark spiral of shame and confusion. I was unable to speak up for myself because I didn’t know how and I didn’t feel like I was allowed to take control of the situation. I was screaming into a void, asking God for anything, anything at all.

I feared judgement, rejection and dismissal from those who should help me.

Silence and isolation made my entire journey more painful. I was alone and if I said anything I would be shamed and still left without answers or any sort of logical moral framework. Just “don’t have sex” or “don’t be alone together.”

I secretly looked within my known Christian circles for answers. The only answers I got were surface level and unsatisfactory. Sex is put on such a pedestal we can’t even get a good look at how we value it. It’s feared and obsessed over, but not understood or accepted.

I couldn’t find any positive stories or examples of Christians managing their sexual feelings and desires in a healthy way. I could only find warnings, stories of mistakes, sin and silence. The realities of sexual desire were not confronted, only whispered about in fearful darkness.

What language did I have to even describe my experiences? Everything I did understand and could articulate felt wrong. I had nasty words for sexual things I picked up from culture and friends… But that was incongruent to my experiences.

God made my body as a good gift! He didn’t give me boobs and a vagina just so I could feel ashamed of them! I didn’t wear tampons for the longest time because I didn’t want to look at or touch or much less put something inside my vagina. It scared me.

I didn’t like looking at myself naked or being naked. I felt like I had to cover up in front of myself. I wasn’t comfortable with myself.

God cracked and shattered the lens I had to look at sex and my own sexuality. I was desperate for truth and holistic understanding. How do I honor God with my body and my relationship without feeling shame about my body or feelings?

I was left empty handed, in the dark, and staring at God with tears on my face asking “what is happening? Why does nothing make sense? Please help me!” What I had been handed was useless and everything else I could see pointed to sin. I felt broken. I felt completely lost.

I carefully talked about this issue of purity culture with friends from home and discovered they were also dealing with the same questions as me.

One friend started dating a guy and they were talking about getting married. They exchanged promise rings and the whole deal. She texted me one night asking how Christian and I decided not to have sex. And I said “I don’t know, I am still asking myself that question and my current answer isn’t enough for me.” They talked to almost 20 Christians asking for wisdom and not a single person could give them a good answer. They did it. And I couldn’t blame them or accuse them of anything. Because I don’t know what I would have done in that situation. Later, they broke up, and I saw how deep her heartbreak was. My heart broke.

Another friend shared with me that she was raped at the beginning of sophomore year, and tried to take control by choosing when she had sex. She tried to commit suicide in the spring. My heart broke.

The beginning of junior year, I had a friend come out to me. He is such a strong Christian and he shared his extreme fear of coming out to everyone because he would face rejection. People might accuse him of not being a real Christian because he’s gay. My heart broke.

God kept placing different people in my life who shared their stories and experiences dealing with sex, sexuality, sexual sin, and their own confusion. I thought a lot.

I researched, watched TED talks about female sexuality, relationships, and virginity, listened to Christian podcasts, and read articles. It was healing to hear conversations from Christians who actually talked about sex. They shed light on this topic that has been kept in the dark for so long!

Through it all, I sought God in this question of “How do I honor You with my body and my relationship?” I prayed in groans.

After God destroyed my dirty, negative, fearful vision of my body and what sex is, He slowly handed me building blocks, which I will talk about more later.

Angry at the Church

While experiencing my own fear and listening to the fear of my friends, I became extremely angry at the church. The church set up this story of what purity means that has hurt me and so many people. The church is where I should be able to go in hard times, and it is the last place I feel safe.

I was sick of American evangelicalism, the ties to politics, the apathy, the small-mindedness, hypocrisy and fake community. Most of all I was hurt.

I felt even more alone, even though I had resolved most of the internal strife over sexual shame at this point. I withdrew from my church, seeing only what was wrong with humanity and feeling hopeless that we would ever be better.

God convicted how my anger blocked me from the community and spiritual growth that I needed. I had to turn my angry into energy. I couldn’t blame the church for being flawed- it is full of imperfect people and that will never change.

I did keep asking “Why did You put me through so much pain?” And what He’s told me is that I can now help others. Sit with them in the questions, the pain, the darkness, and help them heal from shame and festered wounds.

God continually shows me that He is Sovereign over my trials and my life, that the darkest times in my life can be transformed into a shining light for others.

James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Confess and be healed. Not just sins, but confess questions, doubts, fears, confusions. Hiding your questions or your shame lets it fester and stay dark. Bringing it into the light means truth is revealed and healing begins.

2 Timothy 1:6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Don’t live in fear. This is an intimate topic and hard to talk about. But if we live in fear of our bodies, our desires, and each other, we can’t live in power and love and self-control. We continue the cycle of shame and fear and hiding. So speak up, ask questions, don’t judge others when you don’t have the answers yourself. Judgement produces fear, not love.

Don’t do what I did. Do not hide.

Especially Christian women. We have this weighty pressure to fit into a TINY box of what it means to be a Godly woman, and owning our sexuality is not in that box.

I don’t have all the answers. But I am so willing to talk about them and seek a fuller truth. These are just a few big questions with less-than-straightforward responses than many would hope, but with some reflection, you can learn something.

1. Where is the line?

This is a bad question. Instead, ask “how can I love this person the best I can?”

Matthew 7:16-20 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

2. Masturbation

1 Corinthians 10:23-24 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.

3. Why should I wait to have sex before marriage?

Romans 14:13-18 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died. Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

I don’t know where you’re at, or your story.

You may have never dated and not know the answers and that’s okay.

You may have just ended a relationship and not know the answers and that’s okay.

You may be in a very committed relationship and not know the answers, and that’s okay.

It does not matter if you’ve had sex by your choice or not

Or not had sex.

If you have experienced a lot

Or very little.

If you are struggling with sexual sin or are not.

Let’s unpack these things together.

Where are you at? What questions do you have?

I have resources here that go more in depth. Conversations about sexual ethics, with sex therapists, about purity culture and lots of TED talks. Go here for those!!